News from Earth about Earthlings that will make you not want to go there.

(Warning: This youtube clip contains material of a sexual nature. Be advised.)
A human female's bizarre first sexual encounter. Now you may think, "yes this human female is quite desirable" but notice the slightly psychotic look at the very end and know you should be afraid.

From The Med Guru

Humans in the country of Germany conducted an unusual study in which they determined staring at breasts is good for men's health and increases life expectancy. Researchers equate it with 30 minutes of exercise but only if subject of said objectivity is "well endowed." Apparently small breasts do not have the desired effect. We can only wonder if staring at the well endowed junk of males will do the same for females.

We would expect no less from the country of Germany who seems to have the most unusual sexual practices on the planet Earth, after Brazil and Japan respectively.

From  Live Science 

New "research" list the happiest states in the country called the United States of America. The state of New York is supposed to be where dreams are inspired and what dreams are made of, but New York is dead last on the list, apparently more miserable than the state of  Michigan. Damn. Noting the number of southern states so high in the list we can only conclude that ignorance must truly be bliss.

From the Wall Street Journal

Humans seem very fond of their primitive technologies. Especially when it is used to blow up things and brown people. It seems an insurgent group of humans in a war torn nation called Iraq, once the cradle of many early civilizations have found a way to hack into remote controlled flying "drones." These drones are used to rain down death and destruction as well as take photos and videos for Myspace, Facebook, Flickr and military intelligence and surveillance .

It would appear all the insurgents needed was software that anyone can purchase from the internet, for approximately 25 United States earth dollars. This software allowed the insurgents access to the drone's communication link giving them sensitive information on various military logistics.

While the United States military has been aware of this security flaw since the 1990s, they thought their enemies too primitive to exploit the weakness in security. Interesting logic.  But it gets better. Since these communications systems are proprietary to the company that designed it, standard military encryption protocols are useless.

Destroying earth would be far easier than we imagined.

• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

•  Chuck Norris went to Mars. That's why there is no life there.

• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

• Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. 

• When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down.

Hmm we believe this may be true. However we believe many claims made of this human to be false.

From Yahoo! News

We of the M31 Alliance are continually amused at the frequency in which some nations wage war on humans with a darker skin color. But beyond that, we are somewhat disappointed in the continuation of failed war strategies in the region you call the Middle East and the awarding of a "peace prize" to a man who is currently expanding those failed war policies.

What good did it do to switch parties, and choose a smart president (in relation to the previous president of the United States of America) if the policies of the previous president are not only continued but expanded by your current president of the United States?

A human working as a United States postal processing clerk confessed to stealing approximately 2220 Gamefly video games.

Reginald Johnson's illegal operation took place during 2007 and 2008 in Philadelphia until a postal sting resulted in Johnson running from authorities and crashing his SUV, not unlike Grand Theft Auto.

We are sure Johnson will be playing lots of "Call of Booty" during his 12 to 18 month stint.

From Yahoo! News
People of Earth!

Media bias and marital aids are more relevant in a murder case in an Italian court of law than actual evidence or motive. Amanda Knox was sentenced to 26 years for the murder of her room mate in a year long trial where shaky evidence, lack of motive and an anti media blitz against her seemed to win the case for prosecutors. But I suppose that is to be expected from courts that ruled in 1999 that it is impossible for a woman to be raped if she's wearing tight jeans. It only took nine years after that ruling for The Court of Cassation to figure out that tight jeans do not represent a force field against acts of violence.

If this is your level of government and journalistic representation no wonder your government is bordering on the peak of economic collapse. We understand your immaturity and preoccupation with irrelevant events as the reporter April Ryan was about to get with Robert Gibbs all up in the press conference telling Gibbs, "don't play with me..." or else what, the earrings and shoes come off? If so we will place 300 quatloons on Ryan.

If only your press was as vigilant about other matters, perhaps the United States wouldn't be neck deep in trillions in debt and Middle East quagmires.

Your meat already contains steroids, antibiotics, growth hormones and various other ingredients linked to multiple cancers. Much of what you consume consists of artificial flavors and colors and can not in reality be referred to as a "food".

Now your scientists have concocted an artificial meat, consisting of live swine muscle in some kind of animal liquid. Yum. It is our guess this "meat" will be pushed on poorer nations, unless your U.S. and global economies collapse. Then "Soylent Green" will cease to be science fiction and become a documentary.

From Yahoo! Sports
Golfer Jesper Parnevik who introduced Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren expressed violence toward Woods stating he hopes she "uses a driver next time instead of the 3-iron." Maybe a good old fashioned stoning is in order.

We find it interesting that the fallacy in the human condition, making mistakes, is universal at least in your earthly existence. After all, you are only human. Muahaha!

But what is most interesting is this public chastisement of Woods and Parnevik appearing to exhibit a lofty moral higher ground, incapable of making a similar mistake. Perhaps. But one would think such a chastisement would be more sincere and appropriate in person and in private, not on the Golf Channel. Are not the basic concepts underlying your Earth religions forgiveness, compassion, atonement? Ah well, such is the human condition. What fun is it to build a human up, if you can't knock a human down?

LaCross Tribune

People of Earth!

Social networking sites have become the new way for authorities to capture criminals, like Adam Bauer, the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse student who was ticketed for underage drinking after posting photos of himself holding an alcoholic beverage on Facebook.
The authorities' draconian methods work as thus: someone Bauer did not know sent him a friend request. He had no idea who she was, but he accepted her anyway "for some reason" he said. But I think we can guess the reason. She was hot. Bauer is not the only University of Wisconsin-La Crosse student to fall to this ploy, making rousting college students on Facebook the newest revenue stream for law enforcement. Bauer was forced to pay a $227 fine. This method of passing judgment on individuals based on a photograph includes a woman who lost her disability insurance because of vacation photos on Facebook. Privacy settings only do so much. There is software that can bypass all privacy settings and make an entity privy to all your information.

Your privacy is non-existent humans. Such is the price for trading weapons and garden tools in Mafia and Farmville.